Apartments,beer,long hair, and the guy in the middle…

For the last few weeks I have been settling into my new place. I will say it’s been a bit hard due to the fact that I haven’t lived alone in quite a long time. At first it was daunting and getting all new furniture and fixtures has been fun as well as challenging at the same time. In addition to this I didn’t know anyone and the people I did see were nice, but kept to themselves. About a week in I met my neighbor from upstairs. He is a 19 year kid who is majoring in art and is a mix-match of poser and punk, or as I call them “Mall Punk”. Upon opening the door he introduced himself as “Buddy” though his given name is Chris. After a brief conversation he said that knew me from somewhere, but I really didn’t give it a second thought, as I was just about to head out to go to another friends house.

A few days later I get a knock at the door and it’s Buddy again. This time he is wearing a band shirt that has my old bands name on it. As soon as he walks in he said that he knew he recognized me from a show he went to about a year back. A bit surprised but flattered at the same time I invite him in for a PBR. We sit and talk about a degree of subjects all while slowly getting more drunk. He says to me that he plays bass and is looking to start up guitar. Note for anyone who doesn’t play guitar, at any point when someone finds out that you do play they will ask you for a lesson or want you to show them something. This was no different, and before I knew it I was teaching him some old Nirvana songs circa Nevermind. I didn’t mind this to much and actually enjoyed the company and said that he could come over any time.

A few days latter I get a nock on the door and sure enough it’s Buddy. This time he was accompanied by a woman. I assumed that it was his girlfriend who was visiting him, due to the fact that he doesn’t have a car, but it was not. This girl introduced herself as Ryon, and said that she lived below me. She looked like most of the girls I have met in the last year. Dark hair, tattoo’s, tight pants, your typical scene kid. I can’t say that I looked any different six months ago, but in her case she was just into the style not the culture. Oddly enough she had heard of me and knew some mutual friends that I had. So now both my neighbors knew who I was through one medium or another.

I didn’t at first think anything of it but I soon found out that these two people are sleeping with one another. Now I myself adhere to the rule of not screwing where I eat, but it was lost on these two. Not being a bad host I shared some beer with them and we again proceed to get drunk and talk. It was nice getting to know Ryon and Buddy and overall they seemed to be pretty cool kids. Every other night or so Buddy and I would hang out and talk. I started to notice that most of the time his conversation would be shifted suddenly and without warning about Ryon, and how he really liked her but really didn’t get the same thing from her. And while he said that had a great time he wanted more.

This whole idea didn’t really sit well with me, again the whole don’t screw where you eat idea come into my mind. After getting home the next day from work I get a knock on the door, when I go to answer it I am greeted by Ryon. I invite her in and chat her up for a bit. We talk about allot of random stuff and flirt back and forth for a few minutes. She says that “we” should go to a bar sometime. Apprehensive I agree, but to make sure Buddy can go with us. Her response was that of a bit of disappointment but she agreed and we exchanged a few more words before she left and returned back downstairs. At this point I am thinking she want’s to get to know me a bit better by herself. Within the split second of her exiting my apartment I think of all the terrible scenarios and movies I have seen that have involved people going crazy over a chick. And I think I don’t want to be that guy.

To add to this Ryon has been coming upstairs from time to time with her complaints about Buddy. So to faze this entire thing out I have been just staying a neutral partner and not playing to any side. So if by chance the tension mounts and stuff starts to get really bad I can just keep my distance and let the chips fall with those two where they may. And if I can offer any advice it’s don’t get yourself in that situation in the first place. When in the trawls of lust it’s hard to think things out and realize that situations like that may have some serious repercussions. Also you should realize that your personal space is a huge factor and should be something that you respect, and treat it like you would yourself.

So for now I am inviting of both of them, and offer a drink and some casual conversation, but that’s about all. In some ways it’s like watching a soap opera. I know at the end of the line there is going to be a train wreck, but like any human being I can’t look away. I want to sit both of them down and say that the road ahead is going to be ugly, and will end with either heart-break or uncomfortable living for all of us. The latter I would like to avoid as much as I can. In the end all I can hope for is the best, and know that it’s, thankfully, out of my hands. But if things blow up I’ll be sure to post it.

The break up and other silly things

Ok so for the last month or so I have been dealing with a break-up. Now this post is a bit hard for me to write due to the fact that I’m still grieving a bit. Though from what I have heard, writing about it is a good thing. Now at first I felt that I was the only person in the entire world who felt pain and has gone through a break-up. Then I thought if there is one thing that is constant is rejection and pain from a lost love. And if there wasn’t the break-up we would not have the music, art, poetry, or even understanding and forgiveness. I say forgiveness because it takes an act that is negative to be forgiven, and know the feeling of forgiveness in your heart.

For me, I was with my ex for a year and a half. And understandably that is allot of time for some people. Though it’s funny the time seemed to go by real fast. Before I knew it I was a year in and realizing I may spend the rest of my life with this person. Now some might, and have said that I was to young to be falling in love, but love is funny that way, it strikes you at different times in your life and without warning. Before her I was with a person who was very self-destructive and insecure. And coming into the new relationship I made every mistake and didn’t really get over my ex in the rite way, so there was an underline theme of bitterness in my heart. To this day I feel sorry that I even harbored those type of feelings and exposing her to that, but I’m human.

One thing that stood out very early on with her is that she really didn’t care what was going on, and liked to have a good time. I liked this about her and most every night after work we would drink, and party till it was time to go to work again. Now looking back this is not the best thing to base a relationship on, but I made the mistake and put myself out there for the taking. Within two months we had moved in together and we were sharing a dog. Usually this type of behavior is reserved for a couple who has been together 2 plus years or more. But In my case jumping the gun is an understatement. Like buying a car you have to test drive it first, and no smart person would tell you to buy it off the lot without at least kicking the tires.

At this point I have chopped it up to being young, impulsive, and in love. About month five things started to get a bit more interesting. At this point the honeymoon had worn off and the real personalities started to come out and interact. We are both two very strong willed individuals, and mixed with alcohol it can be a very interesting and colorful time. She is from the
New England area and I’m from the west coast so our verbiage is much different in times of disagreement. The word “wicked” would be used several times within a night to paint you a small picture of what I’m talking about. So when it came to arguing we would both get pretty heated. But one thing I always did was say sorry for anything I said and made sure to hug her.

One thing that I didn’t know at the time that I know now is that it doesn’t matter if you say your sorry. Allot, not all, women don’t gauge the argument by what was said, but by what they felt. Meaning that if a guy saw a women in a shouting match they would assume she was pissed beyond repair, but in actuality she may have little or no feeling about that person, and be done and over it within minutes. Still we pushed on for a year before we hit a brick wall doing 120 miles and hour. By this time I felt we were bother very comfortable with one another and it didn’t matter at the end of the day what was said or went on, we still loved one another.

About the year mark I noticed something, I would feel hurt or sad and go to her and get nothing. And when she came to me I was as open as possible and curved to her extreme jealousy for my family, friends, or any new person that I would meet. As a result of this I became very secluded and only gave my time to her. I drove myself crazy trying to micro manage her ever changing feelings and emotions. When I asked for something back I was met with hostility and accusations of me cheating and being un-faithful. To say the least I dove deeper into seclusion, even distancing myself from my family, which I suggest that no one should ever do.

When this started to happen I blamed her for it and though it was her fault that she was feeling this way. And many a night I would cry and sob trying to do everything I could to make her feel better or find ways to give her what she wanted. When I tried I was met with hostility and anger. Things had gotten progressively more verbal and physical on her part. The breaking point was her getting drunk and not coming home, nor telling me where she was going, and telling me not to call or look for her. It was at this point that something needed to change. After pouring thousand of dollars and allot of pain into my relationship I saw that nothing was going to be done on my part, and the last resort was to distance myself.

Living on my own I had allot of time to think and write down my feelings. At first I was bitter again, but I realized something this time around. I realized that allot of this behavior was due in part to me. True I did yell back, and I got angry and stomped away, but I let it happen. I didn’t once stop and take the dominant roll of the male in the relationship and say that the way she was acting was not acceptable or would be tolerated. Rather then tell her that if she continued to act the way she did, or said the things she did I would not be with her. And moreover I gave up my own personal self-worth.

Now that’s it’s pushing a month I realized that I used a person to validate me. And in doing so I lost all emotional or masculine pull in myself. And true she may have allot of issues but I countered that with negative reinforcement and gave her the keys to the relationship. In doing this I forfeit any right I had in the emotional department in the relationship. The other night while looking I saw that most every situation that her and I went through was due to me doing this. And I’m not advocating a pity part, but learning a lesson in humility.

 And one major lesson that I have learned about relationships is walking that emotional line all the time. I didn’t most of the time and either gave to her or refused to even put up a fight for it. Because of that I gave up the one thing that defines men, and makes us who and what we are.

I don’t consider myself to be macho or feel that women are any less then men, but I do feel men are put into that roll for a reason. There is a balance that I didn’t keep with her and because of it, stress was put on both her and
I. And finally something gave. We as people don’t take lessons from the animal kingdom and I think we should.

A great example of this is a pride of lions. The Alpha male is the one who runs the show. But he knows that without the other components the pride would suffer and die. He knows that he needs the lionesses to mate with and to watch over the cubs. And the beta lion pack to hunt and keep the tribe alive. At the same time he is very protective of his pride as well as himself. He holds himself in high regard, because he knows he walks a very thin line between survival and cohesiveness of his pride. And without every major component in place he knows that his species would be dead and gone.

I don’t feel that I am a lion, but I do feel it’s important to realize that my roll needed and should be that of the alpha lion. I should have, and am starting to, put importance on myself as a person and as a man. I do realize that it’s a great thing to be loved, and men and women both play a roll in a relationship. In order to make it work for the long term both have to play the rolls to the best of there ability. And protect one another in the process. It still hurts, and I will always love her, but I have learned a lesson in all of it. That we as people are very powerful, and can make anything come to life, but that we need to keep the balance or chaos will ensue. Be it within the world, or within a relationship.