So another Black Friday has come and gone and I was caught rite in the middle of consumer hell. So every year we come together as a family and celebrate some tradition that no one remembers anymore. If you were to ask someone what thanksgiving means to them they would tell you it’s about Black Friday and all the deals that are taking place. When I was kid there was no such thing as Black Friday, or anything involved in shopping. It was the chance to go see my grandparents and circle all the stuff I wanted in the Sears catalog. I got to shoot my BB gun’s and hang with my older cousins, who I thought at the time were the coolest people in the world. But with age comes wisdom, and this year Thanksgiving to me meant, stuffing my face, drinking one to many glasses of wine, passing out, and almost crapping my pants.
For the last few years I have spent my Thanksgiving with my girlfriend’s family, case and point last year, where I spent my Thanksgiving downing a case of PBR and arguing with her about how she ruined my Thanksgiving. So this year spending time with my mom was awesome. I flew into Dallas the day prior and, really every to that point was awesome, the flight was short and despite the cold weather here in Denver, it was awesome. When I got into Dallas, my mom picked me up and we were able to get out of the airport in under 5 minutes, which I honestly thought was going to be packed. When we got to her house, I settled into the guest bedroom and lounged on the couch and took in some movies. The first night there I wasn’t able to sleep very well, by the time I was able to close my eyes and keep them shut; it was close to 3 in the morning. I woke up Thanksgiving Day about 9 and plopped back on the couch and watched the Macy’s day Thanksgiving parade. Every year I watch it for no good reason, I don’t like watching it, but it’s almost habit at this point in my life.
At about 10:15 I hoped into the shower and got ready for the on slot of dinner. This year I was making all the side dishes so I needed to get in the kitchen if I was going to eat a reasonable time. The turkey was set to be placed in the oven at exactly 11 o clock and would take no longer then two hours be done and ready for consumption. I took my sweet time getting ready and was not out of the bathroom till about 10:50. I thought it might have been a bit early to crack open a beer, but I thought why not, it was Thanksgiving and really if there was one thing I was thankful for it was Sam Adams Winter Brew. I whipped up a few side dishes and gravy all in the nick of time for the turkey to be cooked and ready. I was munching on a few crackers throughout the morning, but really didn’t sit down and have something to eat, so needless to say I was ready to rip into a full meal.
I don’t like to be a glutton when I eat, but I stuffed my face as fast as I could. I woofed down two plates full of food, and didn’t think twice. After I was done eating I was in a daze. I headed strait for the couch, and didn’t look back, I plopped on the couch, and let the Tryptophan run its course. I awoke a few hours later to a re-run of Street Fighter the Movie, thank you Spike TV. I figured I would take this break in sleeping to eat some pie and formulate a game plan for my dance with Black Friday. I jumped on the internet and took a look at every online circular that I could. Every place had a “Doorbuster” deal that would insure 200 people would be tooth and nail trying to get that elusive item that would inevitably break mid February. Truth be told I bought it hook, line, and sinker, and thought if I got to Best buy early enough I would be able to acquire a cheap laptop.
I made a plan of attack and decided to clock in early enough so as to when I woke up at 3 o clock, I wouldn’t be walking zombie. I tucked myself into drifting off with the thoughts of electronic Nirvana dancing around in my head. My alarm went off at the wee hour of 3 o clock in the morning. As expected I was dead on my feet, the only motivating factor was a shower that did little to wake me up, but more to prompt me to want to stay in bed and avoid Black Friday altogether. I pushed down my true feelings and threw my coat on and headed out to the car. It still felt like night, and I knew it was going to be another 4 hours before the sun would even begin to peek. My first stop was Best Buy. Now before you predict my fate, I will tell you I really thought I had a chance on getting a laptop for 200 dollars, and or a flat screen TV for 300 bucks. When I pulled into the parking lot at 3:50, I was greeted by no less then 200 people who were wrapped a quarter around the building. At that point my hopes were dashed, but I figured I would at least stock up on some DVD’s. I parked the car, and got in line.
Within 20 minutes there were at least 300 people behind me, so while I felt like the laptop was out of reach, I did feel that a primo item may be my grasp. At 4:30, like a bolt of lighting, a sharp pain hit my stomach. The night’s prior feast was beginning to make its exit from the night’s prior visit with my stomach. I didn’t realize that this night may become a true Black Friday for me. At this point in my life I am 1/1 in the soiled pants department and trust me, that one too. I tried to put the pain in the back of my mind, and let them pass, but there was no holding back, I was t minus 5 minutes and counting. I knew it was a decision to either loose my place in line, and kiss my DVD’s goodbye, or have my pants choked with poo. I was disappointed, but I knew I had to do what I had to do. I did the 50 meter dash to my car in under 7 seconds flat and tore out of the parking lot.
One problem with Black Friday is that you have to be there early for all the good deals. It was only 4:10 in the morning, and needless to say everything gas station wise was closed, so I thought about a fast food joint, but again closed. I was desperate, and the dread was starting creep upon me. My savior came in the form of a Denny’s sign 2 miles from the store. I tore ass into the parking lot and nearly Van Damm kicked the door to the restaurant. I flung open the bathroom door, and to say the least it was a photo finish. When all was said and done, it was 4:30 and my game plan was shot. I didn’t have a plan B, and there was no way I was heading back to Best Buy. I had a cup of coffee at Denny’s, and decided that I would just drive and see what was out there. Writing this now I think my stomach did me favor, had I stayed in line I would have had to fight a crowd of people for a cheap piece of garbage that, like I mentioned earlier, would have broke mid February.
It was now 15 minutes to 5, and I figured at this point, rather then head back home I would just pick some place that looked somewhat busy and go with it. I ended up at Kohl’s, and got my cloths shopping out of the way. I was able to grab about 6 outfits for under 200 dollars, I know, I was shocked too when I got to the checkout. I headed out the door and started my drive again. After waiting in line at Kohl’s for almost an hour it was close to 6:30 and I was still in a semi buying frenzy. I set my better judgment aside, and headed for the mall. Don’t ask me why I thought this was a good idea. Best buy was one retailer, but the mall was a heinous demon bitch of consumer buying. I was correct to fear this place a bit, and getting into the mall was just as exciting. I drove around for at least 30 minutes to find a spot. This was the second lucky break for me in the day, the first being the near miss of me soiling my britches. I found a spot about 4 cars deep from the entrance of the mall.
I could see people running into the mall, and this was the first sign things were bad on the horizon. I entered the mall to see that yes this place was a sea of people, still grabbing and fighting for “Doorbusters”. The prize in question was a digital camera made by some brand I hadn’t heard of, or for that matter pronounce. I stopped dead in my tracks and observed the madness. In the flurry of people I saw a man lunge back and catch the sharp part of his on a young kid’s chest, almost knocking him down. I guy did little to show his sympathy for the kid, and continued to indulge in his consumer blood lust. I had to laugh and shake my head, so if by chance the kid reads this, I’m sorry, I know you didn’t deserve it, but the fact that you tried to shrug it off and play it cool didn’t help your case much. I knew I had to get out of there before I was the victim of a left hook or a stick up from someone who thought they needed a cheap portable DVD player then me.
I B lined it out to the movie store and grabbed as many titles under 6 bucks as I could. I was able to get out of there with a decent collection of TV shows and a few movies I was meaning to grab. At this point I didn’t want to push my luck and go someplace else to see if I could pick up a new mp3 player. I was satisfied with what I got and called it a day. I drove back home with the satisfaction that I had learned a lesson. What lesson you ask, don’t go out on Black Friday. I realized that local news stations are at Wal-Mart and Best Buy on Black Friday. It’s not to report how many people there are, no, it’s to get the elusive footage of an old lady being trampled, or someone being shot for the last Dora the Explorer doll. I kid but really last year someone got shot over a PS3. The death toll is still at zero, but I give it another year before Best Buy introduces the “Doorbuster” of death. That I will wake up at 3 in the morning to see.
