A long time coming

I seem to do this every time, I have a good spurt of blogging, and then nothing for a long period of time. But the fact is, Spring is upon us, the birds are chirping, the grass is growing, and the thaw is here. As for me, I seem to be in the same place I was almost 2 years ago. I have come to learn that relations are a tricky thing, they suck and are amazing at the same time. Right now I am in the middle of figuring out where this bus is going. In no way am I lost or off the beatin path, but I think we missed a few stops. Since were on the topic of buses, I will try to sum up relationships and compare them to a bus ride. When I was kid I used to take the bus about 3 times a year to travel to the other end of the state. The great thing about getting on a Bus was magically a 5 hour trip would turn into a 2 day affair. During that time you would be seating next to some interesting characters, you really didn’t mind, but really it raises a red flag. This is much like a person you are getting into a relationship with, there might be a few red flags, but you tend forget about it and let it slide under the radar.

When you get on the Bus you realize you have no control over this metal Sub sandwich. True it ain’t a plane but at the same time there is something a bit uneasy about it. Like a relationship you really have no true control over it, there could be a pothole about 40 miles down the road, you could get a flat, hit a deer, or have a blowout and re-enact the day Cliff Burton played a game of smear the queer with a tour bus. With that being said you take a beat and go and let the wheels turn. As the bus rolls on you look around and realize there is allot to see, and you get the choice to sleep or can see and enjoy every bit of the trip, this is not to different from real life, you can sleep through a relationship, or keep your eyes open. Now here is where things start to get a bit crazy. The first few hours are awesome, you are totally take by the magic of the bus, then you take a look at your watch and realize for as long as you have been on this bus you somehow have traveled only about 20 miles.

This is the point you begin to weigh your options. You think wow this was fun and I was into it, but now I take a good look around me and see the junkie in the seat next to coming down from a 4 day bender. The smell of urine, sulfur, and cat crap, overtake your senses, and you realize the seat you are sitting in has not been cleaned since Welcome Back Kotter was in prime time. At this point you really hit the wall and consider getting off the bus and taking your chances hitchhiking, or riding this basted out and getting off at your said destination. So this is where I am. I’m 20 miles out of the city, I have been on this bus for a bit to long, and I am thinking about getting off this bus. At the same time I want to get to my destination without having to take my chances as a drifter and risk becoming a skin lamp…. I will say this for that lame attempt at an over played analogy. I really love taking the bus ride. I choose no other mode of transportation for going from from point A to point B. It’s crazy and amazing at the same time, and I love my metal sub sandwich… Irr I mean my girlfriend. So at the end of the day I love it all, the ride, the trip, the cat crap, and more then anything I love the fact that I want to go back.

Advice about a clingy ex

Maybe you can answer this.Why would a guy want every free moment a girl has for a couple years and then say she’s smothering him?

 

 

 

About a year ago I was in a really bad place, emotionally, and really one the outs of a very bad relationship. I had just moved out of my place, I was in debt, and was on the verge of a mental breakdown. The year prior, I was consumed in a relationship that was born to fail. I was with someone who was needy, insecure, and had really low self esteem. As a result of this I had been dragged through the mud and actually contemplated taking my own life. Once that thought popped into my head I knew I had to seek help, or change something. I started reading everything I could regarding mental health and wellness. Once I was done with that I started reading books regarding relationship dynamics, then when I was done with that, I moved to human behavior and human relationships. By the time I was done reading I was in a much better place mentally and was a shoulder to lean on if anyone needed it.

 

So hala, here is my answer to your question. I don’t personally know the guy you were with, but from what you have said before it sounds to me that this guy really needed allot of your attention at all times. I can only imagine that he was very possessive, very controlling, and almost always things revolved around him and what he wanted to do. When you weren’t doing things for him, you were outside of his circle and on his bad side. When he had gotten his fill, he was done with you and accused you of being clingy right after he demanded all of your time. I can only imagine that you are left with questions and wondering what happened. In my opinion, a good relationship comes down to a constant flow of ups and downs. The best example of this is illustrated in the picture below.

 

 

 

You will see that there is a gradual increase and decrease, it’s constant but there is always movement and change, and as soon as it dips, it begins to go up again. I like using this example because it represents how we as people change, and thrive on constant progression to be happy. Below is a series of plateaus in a row.

 

 

 What this shows is a low point, a huge spike, a period of no change, and then a sudden drop, and bottoming out and period of no change once again. As you can see this is much more erratic and doesn’t represent constant change, it represents sudden change and periods of no progression. Now to apply this to your situation, you did say that the guy demanded allot of your time and was almost to the point of being clingy. This is the plateau that I am talking about. During these periods the emotion would spike and stay at a high unchanging point, and then very suddenly drop and he would be distant until there was another spike.

 

I can only imagine this is not an easy person to deal with, let alone be in a relationship with. However I do feel this is not all on him. Sometimes we enable our partners, or people we are in relationships with, to do things that are counter productive or destructive to ourselves to maintain a relationship. This requires that both parties take an active roll in this. I think you might have let him overstep his bounds, and that opted him to take you for granted and to compensate you let him almost walk all over you to keep the relationship a float. I will say that it’s not the first time someone in a relationship has done this, so it’s ok. I will tell you that the relationship was almost destined to fail. The reason being that allot of clingy people wear thin on the other person and the relationship, and almost always are in the business of self sabotage. I have seen it with my own friends and relationships and to date it has been a 100% failure rate.

 

Right now things are still confusing, as they should be, but give it a little bit of time and you will have that moment of clarity about the relationship you were in. I think the best idea for you would be to get out and meet some new people, get into a new activity, and in your case start over. Above all else the most important thing is getting back to who you are, rather then waste your time and energy wondering what happened. Like I said he would have sabotaged the relationship in one way or the other, and you would have been in the same spot or worse. Everything takes time, and sooner then later you will find that guy who won’t ask you to sacrifice what is important to you to make him happen, and will, excuse the pun, be on the same wave length as you. I hope this helps.

 

-Ty